7 AM March 30 2017

I was sleeping fine

I then woke up and everything just start rushing through my head

So write I thought

It goes back to a few days ago

Angry at my boyfriend I leave to go visit my mom and sis and niece

I didnt mention the zillionth altercation I just wanted to visit

My sister is there cause her apartment is infested in bed bugs so this was a little time to spend with her and my niece

Before I left my mom showed us her will and let us know what her final wishes and arrangements are

Telling us how to also go about getting life insurance

After that before we parted ways she noticed she had all her children there so she wanted to pray over us

In her prayer this word stood out to me

Self Suffiecient

Its a word Ive come to know around my late 20s

Its been a main source around my depression and sadness

In her praying I percieved my mom as a bit fearful

She fears that her children will not survive the world without her

I suppose thats every parents fear

I got the impression that along the way in life as she was growing and building a relationship with god that maybe her children didnt get what was needed

She seemed remorseful, she asked for forgiveness for not giving what may have been needed or provided

In that moment I realized my poor mother is not the mom I recall and no matter how sorry she might be she did the best she could with what she had and what she knew or thought to be best

But even knowing that I still cant forgive her

I still hear her saying I wish I would of aborted you in one of our blow outs

I still only hear and remember negative things about her and our relationship in the past and I just wont let it go

Cant let it go

Tried to let it go but Im not capable

I feel very cold and hard

Jaded

I see the world as nothing but people who dont care about me, love me, see me and Ive conditioned myself to fight against that, Ive trained myself to not care and Ive ended up this person who is just alone

As I left that word Self Suffiecent keeps playing over and over in my head

This is my conclusion

Because I am not Self Suffiecent I feel constant fear

Constant sadness

Constant anger

I cant seem to figure how to live on my own as most people in the world do

A long time ago my suicidal thoughts revolved around not being beautiful enough to get the attention of a man to love me

I was saddened by the thought of not being loved because somehow that would mean something is wrong with me and I was ugly

As I got older and dealt with a few guys, a marriaged that I contributed most of the reason it fell apart, and repeating the same situations with diffrent people I decided I didnt care if anyone loved me

I was ok being alone

I was ok not having friends

But what I wanted and needed most was to be Self Suffiecient

To live on my own and truely be alone, pay my own way

If I was Self Suffiecient maybe things would be diffrent

Maybe when I felt so alienated from my family if I had been able to move away and stay away for awhile, the distances and space can make people closer and when they begin to annoy you you have a place to go to

Ive never provided myself a safe haven to have besides just sleeping

This person that I have become has scared me yet at the same time Im complacent with her as well

In my perception every person in my life has abandoned me, betrayed me, hurt me to where I let it change me

The person I wanna be and envinsion is just a fantasy

So I go back and forth with the struggle of suicide

Suicide is no longer about hurting those who hurt me

Id be lying if I didnt say I wish somehow if they should feel regret about things they did, said or acted towards me that I get to see that and rellish in my told you so but its not about that

Its about peace, I have no peace

Im always worried and angry and scared

Im tired of trying to be strong

Im tired of not having any answers

Im tired of Deja Vu, Im living the same life over and over and never going anywhere

Im tired of being unhappy

Im tired of sleeping all the time

This is my life and its terrifying

I cant even provide for myself a place to be miserable alone and I now I have myself in this position where I just want out

I want to be away from him

I want to be gone from the world

 

 

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