725 AM March 30 2017

I just wrote about Self Suffiecient and this is how it relates to me now

In that entry I said how my mom prayed over her kids and how I realized that I am not Self Suffiecient

My inability to be Self Suffiecient hurts me now because I realize how living with my gram to living with this boy is diffrent yet the same

Both were making me miserable

And both Im afraid to leave

Both times I have no money

No where to go

The feeling of being lost and homeless kills me

I know my gram would of never kicked me out but the way I felt with her was just a childlike misery

Now Im here with him and things didnt turn out good and my only choice is to go back to gram

I should go back, I should of went back but the idea of that killed me inside

It kills me even more because before I came to live with him, thinking I learned my lesson from my marriage I would save money while here so that if things went bad I could leave

But in that year I managed to save nothing

That hurt me so bad because I failed again

I trusted again and that failed

I dont think Ive ever been so angry

I see that he doesnt even realized what hes done

So engulfed in what he feels is wrong hes incapable of really seeing what he did and understanding how devastating it is

He didnt really get that by me moving in with him that I trusted him

Trust is such a huge thing in all relationships but I also see that its something that just is

Its just automatic that people trust

They do it cause they havent seen any signs of mistrust and dont even think about trust or apprecciate the trust they are given until a situation occurs where now whoever has been put in the postion to question whoever broke their trust

So he didnt get that a woman like me who has had her trust broken by every friend and her family was giving him trust with no question, no hesitation, no restrictions just trust

Trust to be responsible with rent because that means he holds my well being for shelter in his hands as well as I held his

Trust to be honest

Trust to be faithful

Trust to be respectful

Trust to listen

Such simple things but for a woman like me these things are life altering

He didnt get just how important, precious, and valualbe they were

I suppose even though he knew my life story, my battles, my struggles this was not something I communicated

I suppose I didnt communicate them cause I never thought I would come to feel like this

I see him and I see myself in a no win situation

I see him as a person I dont like

I see me as a person who is supposed to be alone

I dont fit in the world

I dont fit with him

We hold on for diffrent reasons in which none to me seem to be real love

Ive stop saying I love you

I dont really think Im capable of love or either my love is so diffrent that its unabtainable

When I was younger his tactics to reconsile may have worked

I think I was more hopeful, patient,romantical,forgiving and caring

In which now I believe those traits have dissapeared and been replaced with inpatient, un caring, no forgiveness

I see the traits of when I was younger as weak

But the traits I have now I assume to him and possibly others make me difficult

I hate that It took this to see who he is to me

I regret moving in with him

I regret not leaving when I should have

If I had things might be diffrent

Maybe he would actually have clarity, transparancy, reality

But he is a person who is just careless

I hate him, at times like him, but love does not exsist and I dont want to try to rebuild

My love is not what he wants or needs

His love I do not understand and see at times as weak and stupid

But he still manages one thing over me

He has Self Suffiecient

And that makes me angry

It makes me angry because I put all I had into him

I didnt have alot and the little that I placed in his had was not thought of as a gift

It wasnt thought of at all

So here I am hating and liking a person at the same time

I suppose he must feel the same about me

Its a horrible feeling

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