After The Rage

Its been a little since everything happened

I must admit I was happy to cuss his mother out

I guess she thought she could scare me

Or maybe in her anger she just was like alot of people where your just not thinking and you just act

Really never having any intentions of doing anything especially once you get to see that how you thought the person would react is not and so now it backfires

I dont remember much about that day once I got home

I think maybe it was the next day I just wanted to call a truce

I didnt want to fight anymore

I just wanna get through the next 7 months and get out of here

He was apologizing for his family which I saw no need for

He was apologizing for what he done and all he done in the past year

But that didnt matter either

I think in all my frustration I just couldnt understand when you know your doing wrong things why continue to do them and they claim victim once its done

I had never really experienced that before

But it made me see some things about me that frighten me which is always the need to defend myself

I noticed in this situation and some in the past that If Im not feeling heard or understood I need to defend myself

The feeling of always being accused of being wrong makes me feel sad so then I need to defend myself

I get so upset that it seems though people feel that I should hear them, I should understand them I should agree with them, they are right

But thats not always true

I always figured that most know at times you agree not to agree and just understand that your diffrent

I had trained myself to listen and try to understand and be empathetic so much so that I forgot others dont or cant do that

Then when it comes to the things I just absolutely will not agree with or try to understand I get labled as heartless, cold, and not understanding

So now that I get that I see I have to figure out when to defend myself and when to leave it alone

When I was younger and wrapped up in my looks thinking that I was so unattractive that I could never get a guy I decided to focus on what I could control

I was funny so I kept my sarcastic fowl mouth and knew I could make people laugh so that was a plus

I knew that I always felt unheard or no one really even asked me how I felt so I made sure I was a person who asked

If I was asked I notice that just because they asked doesnt mean they were really listening

So I made sure I listened

And I prided myself on being honest and loyal and to have integrity

My character was all I had so I made it as authentic as possible

And do this over the years has made me me but also has backfired as well

Because I trained myself to be that way I assume that anyone I allowed in my life would be that as well

Especially since I state upfront like a document hey this is what I believe this is what I practice so to be around me so should you

They agree but then they dissapoint and now I see I never trained myself how to work through that

And thats where my unforgiving nature came from and not being able to see whats a human mistake and whos just a person doing bad things to hurt me because in my mind they dont care if they hurt me

So somehow I end up with a guy who is all the things Im not and I call him a doormat and others see him as a gentleman and caring and sweet

And he is

But somewhere in his life he made lying ok

And his communication is silent

I think I was so angry in this relationship because as I have done before I showed him who I was. all the ugly parts first

I fogot that we all have mask and just because I trained myself to choose who I take my mask off for no matter how much they may like or love you its not easy to take off the mask

So maybe he in a way kept that mask on and when I showed him what I saw he did what he was use to doing as most people

So I learned that I am caring, I am honest, I am blunt, I am ridgid, I am hard, I am unforgiving, I am defensive

I learned I am a great communicator but I have to learn that if someone is not communicating with me that I have to walk away because that could lead to me feeling angry and then thats when the hurt sets in cause in my mind they are purposely trying to hurt me or disrespect me when in reality they just may not be as great of a communicator or thats just what they feel or believe and nothing more

I learned that I am very serious and literal

I let alot of my past create some great habits and I let it create some steel walls

Now here I am feeling very defeated and broken down

I let him and his choices take me through some changes

I know hell never know that this has really changed me and not for the better

Because now I just want complete isolation

I will never allow anyone to get close to me again

And with me now having no sexual desire I know there is no possiblity of a relationship when what I desire is companionship

To me the two are not the same and differ for me as they differ for many

I see that I am a person who just cant connect

Ive been beaten down so much that Im always in survival mode so as a person Im changed

Its up to me to fix that and change it but I have no idea how and so like him because its what Im use to its what I resort to but also its where I feel safe and I no longer have the energy to let people see me when in the end they will just mistreat me or reject me

So I have no friends, limited contact with my family and no partner

Its a stange feeling to me that Im ok with that now and understand why but in the same breath it is sad

But thats nothing new so now since were getting along now for the sake of living toghether my stress is diffrent

I know constantly worry about being able to find another job and a place to live because I just can not go back to grams

I have to find my own space to be in

So that way whether it be negative or positive its my space and no one has to be around it and I dont have to conform to another

Ive only completed 2 of my goals that I set before the deadline but even with that small little victory I just still feel so hopeless

All day I go back and forth with am I gonna keep pushing or will I end the end just go through with my suicide plan

Im the kind of tired that sleep wont fix

And I know that even if I find a place and Im able to atleast maintain that I am just a person that will never be happy

I dont even know what happy is for me or how I want that to look or what that consist of

And so at some point this will just come back again like it always does

So it feels like Im in limbo on earth

So it doesnt matter if I live or if I choose to die limbo is my habitat

But until I guess Ill just try not to stress, sleep as I usually do, and if I see someone hurting or needing something and they ask me give it so that I can atleast do good small deeds while Im here

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