So much has happened in this last month

I dont keep up with writting like I should

My counseling I do even at times I dont want to go but I still go

I have it today this afternoon and I was thinking about cancelling but I figure just go

I guess Ill start with shock

shocked to see comments

What Ive learned about comments is that they are just that

Its so easy to hear someones situation or read a post and make your judgements or opinions but when your in the situation then what

Are you sure you would handle them as well and as mature as you state

Are you sure of how you would react to the others behavior as you would like to 

Ive told my counselor everything and she is not to take sides and Im not even saying shes taking my side but it feels that way, it feels like shes the only one who really understands me, who understands all the hard word I did and the dissapointment I felt when I realized that I failed

So now instead of getting upset or feeling like the target

I just remember that whats being offered is just that

I know Ive tried it all with effort of pure sincerity and sometimes things just dont work and people are who they are and they will never know how it feels or what they would do and even if they do our reactions are not meant to be the same so its ok

No one ever took the time to comment before and they are not here I assume to write about rainbows and unicorns so I wouldnt take advice from a single person or a deppressed person as myself because at the end of the day they dont know anymore then I do

I learn more and more about myself

Its a bit scary what Im learning cause I dont nessecarily think these are good characteristic traits but at the same time their mind

I see Ive become like that old person who is stuck in their ways

Im only 36 and thats young in some instances but I feel old and wore out

I feel hateful a bit careless

Its odd and hard to explain its like I care but not really

I suppose because Im always so tired that I just refuse to put any more energy into certain things because I dont have it

So I have to save my energy for things I cant just say no to like work

And at times or alot I have slacked at work

Not going or leaving early

I try to think back on what I was like when I was younger and I see the diffrence

I have given up on everything

I just kinda figure it is what it is and I dont know what else to do and the things I should do I dont want to because for what

Im frustrated with the fact that I can never get enough sleep

I love sleep

Even though I may have nightmares or odd distressing dreams

I just wake and try to forget and get back to sleep

I hate waking up

I hate my life

I hate everything

I just want to eat and sleep

Seems to be all Im good at

I have nothing and Im kinda just over trying to make my life work and so I just go day to day

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