Day 1 and 2 The Break Up

Well I know breaking up was the right thing to do

All the signs point to no

This final act brought me to a place of no return

Day 1 I was sad but more angry yet I also felt relief because I knew I no longer had to deal with our issues....his issues

Day 2 I got a little worried

I began going over everything in my head and wondering was I too much, am I really mean, and Im itimidating, am I hard to love but yet even if this is true I cant help but not feel bad about those things because thats how I was when we began

The only thing that has changed about me since we started was that I learned to cook

But overall me as a person is pretty much the same

I do see that I didnt handle things the way I wished I could of

I become extremely angry with him

I become so frustrated at how I think we agree cause Ive gone on for hours talking to him and then as soon as he hits a road block he resorts to things Ive asked him not to do so I cant help but feel intentionally hurt and attacked by someone who is suppose to be on my team

I hate how even though I chose to end it how you still wonder if your making the right choice, if I will regret ending things

I hate how it physical it is for me as well

Last night I couldnt sleep cause all these thoughts were running through my mind, my stomach always seems upset, I overall just feel sick and exhausted

I also hate the confusion at how he still is trying to reconcile with me

But I just chalk it up to the fact that we live toghether so being around me he might be tricking himself into thinking he still wants to be with me

I hate this one thought that I keep replaying which is what will people think of me if I take him back

I dont want to seem weak because Im already weak in other areas so this being the one I can control the most I dont want to be seen as that girl

I am financially dependent on him but I know that can change and thats no reason to continue on hurting eachother

Even though majority of things are split I cant afford to live on my own, I dont really know what he can afford but I am a help to him so I assume he really cant afford to live on his own either until he starts making money from his other job

The anger and embarresment of everything is passing a little bit but he keeps asking me if Im gonna take him back and I say I need time but deep down I know I cant

With all his lies and his extreme imaturity and constant need for attention even at the cost of my feelings are signs that he just cant stop because he sees nothing wrong with it

Me now accepting that I am asexual and add my depression to that its just to much to handle and so Im comftable being alone and use to being lonley so much so that I believe its whats gonna get me through this break up

The break up is really the last thing on my mind

With the loss of my counselor and having to get the energy and motivation to look for a second job and trying to stay positive in this dark hole Im in and with my sister being pregnant again and me wanting to be there for this baby I just cant focus on that

And I know I wished him harm in my last post and I still do but I also wish him happiness

I hope he learns to stop being a people pleaser, a habitual liar, a doormat and care about himself a little more then these people that he lets trick him into thinking they care

I hope he addresses his past issues and follows through on these goals that he claims he has

I hope I can pull myself out of this funk

I find myself staring in the mirror and just looking at myself

I see the sadness in my eyes, the wrinkles in my skin, the dark circles and droopy lids on my eyes

and I swear I can see how depleted my soul is

I dont know if I have it in me to start over

And I have this list in my head that I need to begin to get started

But its hard

I know on day 1 of the break up as I was coming home from work I thought why do you keep waiting Mi Mi, what are you waiting for

And Im not really sure

I just know it would be nice to come home to my place and not have to clean up after anyone but me, cook for no one but me, rely on just me and not be let down or dissapointed

And it be nice to have for my niece and my new nephew,cause I hope its a boy, to come visit

Even if its a box it be mine and Id have a safe place to calm down from work

Even if I stay miserable I want my own space to be misarble in

But hey its just day 2 and I have some month to try to make any progress and I just have to block him out and focus

Its the same story..try or die trying

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Comments (1)

  1. jamesgirl

    I can relate to you Mimi. I couldn’t live on my own for most of my life but I held on and kept hoping, praying, and doing things to reach my goals. Finally, I have a job, my own place, and a will to live again. Hang on, life changes, seasons pass, feelings turn over and over again. Never quit hoping for the best. I think I’m asexual too, but here I am engaged, ready to let someone in the sanctuary of my heart

    June 10, 2017