I Blew Up... Im So Done

I let him win again

I had in set in my head that I was done and that I just need to be quiet

Be still

I told myself it doesnt matter what you say

There is no need to cry

These are all things you have said before

You have explained yourself enough

Its time to be done

Its sad that we could not make it work

Despite all my anger and hate for him I know hes a good guy

And maybe someday hell get it right

It just wont be with me

Im sure when he looks back or thinks back on me hell see he wasted time causing drama and turmoil instead or working and fighting with me instead of against me

I wish I could of held steady

But after seeing him post on social media his lies I lost it

I yell I cuss I call names and I see now I let him provoke me

And whats more sad is I think he purposly provokes me cause yelling and screaming is better then the silence I try to practice

And that to me is disheartning that he would resort to that

Despite being a good guy, I know he is not malice

But what he is out weighs that for me

He is weak, he is needy, his is jealous, he has no trust, he cant communicate unless through text or social media and even in those forums what he says doesnt make sense, nor does it seem honest or sincere but more a woe is me and needing validaiton and sympathy instead of just doing better, he is a liar and the worst kind, he lies about small nothings and big somethings and he always gets caught

He says hell change but he does not, he doesnt even try, in a matter of hours to weeks hes repeating the same mistake and the same apology

So with all that no amount of counseling will help and so I had to let go

Try not to let this add to my bitterness and jade

But if such a good person as I know him to be could do all those things to me knowing it hurt me, seeing me distraught in tears, seeing the anger in my face and through my body, knowing my history with depression and suicidal ideation I should of left along time ago

Hes immature, hes a child in a so called young mans body

He talks like he is in a movie and doesnt even have the morality to atleast do all the stuff he says

So I let go

He says hell try to win me back but he has no clue its really over this time

I wont fall for the tears

I wont fall for the sorry

I wont fall for the foot rubs or food or whatever other tactic hell try

I have let him destroy me and wast engergy that I should of been using to try to get better

I wish I would of kept my last suicidal plan

But its all done now and I cant go back

Weve made our mistakes and he had his chances

I cant seem to make it work

I cant make my life work

And so Im hoping I will have the courage to attempt my suicide and hope that it works because death is all I desire now

I dont wanna be a lonley person

And when I say lonley Im not just speaking on him

I mean in all aspects, I feel lonley with no friends and I cant be close to my family

Im not capable of being close and Im use to be alone but that is not the life I want

Im tired of struggling financially

Im ready to let go

I hope I can keep peace while Im here with him

I have no plans on leaving this apartment until I have no choice

But I plan on dying here

 

 

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Comments (2)

  1. shadowstarz

    Yelling, screaming, cussing & cursing is antagonistic, childish and pointless. One reverts to such behaviours as they haven’t evolved in their communication skills. If you’re highly emotive as opposed to objective & subjective, its like trying to talk to a child or defiant petulant teen, in which most people shutdown and disconnect from. Sighs.
    .
    No substance will ever emerge from those kinda relationships. Instead of worrying about being lonely, learn to invest in your self via engaging in activities that are going to make you a better person. The reason you can’t seem to make it work lies in your capacity or incapacity to connect & engage with your man via healthier modalities of communication. If you’re unable to express yourself without anger or frustration, then its your responsibility to work through any underlying issues.
    .
    Here’s hoping you’ve both learnt that no good will ever emerge from a toxic bond, and what you’ve described in your post, is just that… toxicity. Best wishes and all that kinda jazz. ☘😎🌷😊

    March 31, 2017
  2. sailorluna_777

    Its hard to let go.. but thats what must be done… you feel co dependent maybe financially, for company. or it could be just comfort.. a bad habit. happiness will never happen in your life until you actually make room for it by moving on from misery. its a vicious cycle.

    March 31, 2017