I understand Murder

In some situations I can see how people commit murder

I think If I could of killed him and gotten away with it I would have

Yesterday evening I decided to blog

As I looked I noticed someone who was commenting

She had kind words to say and was trying to encourage me

It was nice

I blogged how I was happy about my descision to end the relationship but it was still hard to watch him be happy and be ok with everything he had done

I said how I dont want him but dont want him to be happy either

Why should he be happy

I dont get why people who do wrong get to move on and be happy

Especially if they really dont put in any effort on self improvement to improve themselves as a person

And really evalute why they did what they did and how they made someone feel and if they really agree or if they dont how can they fix it so they dont do it again

I thought I had done that before I met this jerk

I spent alot of time alone

I didnt search for a partner

I really looked at my actions

So even though I did the work unforunately it did not work because I still chose my emotions

In some situations its said that the most angry person is the most sensitive and hurt person

I know this to be true

I get so angry that I can feel my blood get hot and then all of sudden once the rage passes it turns ice cold

I get numb and my heart feels like it beats hard but slow

Not one person in my life who have experienced my anger ever looked at me and thought what a hurt girl

When Im angry I feel like I can explode and from there I just want to inflict pain

My mouth is vicious and my hands attack

Im in between crying and yelling

And I can go on for hours and hours

Once I finally came down I asked myself why do I do that

The sick but truthful answer is it seems thats the only way I can get them to understand how Im feeling and its the only way to make me feel or what seems at the moment better

But then I feel guilty because I know its wrong but I figure if you choose to hurt me you chose to do wrong so dont judge my choice

This is not the first time Ive hit him

I also hit my ex husband

I fought my mother and sister

And I attacked an ex one time

So why did I hit this coward this time

After I wrote my entry I noticed more friend request

I had accepted none I just let them sit there

But usually I will look over the persons blog before I accept a request to see what they have written

If I can relate to them

I had accepted the one of the kind lady and then I notice another one

One I hadnt seen before

So I click on the blog

As I read the blog I thought wow I can really relate to this guy but as I read more my heart stopped

My hands began to shake

And the tears came out easily which shocked me a bit cause Im really not a cryer so when I do cry I know its hitting me hard

This blog I was reading was not just relateable it was about me

So my ex decided to start a blog, sent me a friend request and the first blog I see is how he already has met someone new

I always wonder why even if you know something it still manages to kill you even though you knew it would happen

When I broke up with him he said the same things, hes sorry,hes gonna fix it, he loves me

But deep down I knew that he was relieved that I broke with him and I knew that once he saw I was not going to backtrack instead of him really taking that time to really figure himself out and really look at what he did and help himself that it will just be easier to find a new person to start over with

Took all of a couple weeks and not only that but he still was lying when I confronted to him to ask him what are you doing, why are you doing this to me

With the computer on my lap he continued to lie

Says the blog started out as a way to apologize to me and possible win me back

Another lie

As I read the blog outloud to him to remind him of what he had forgotten I get another surprised

He let this girl meet his daughter

Who introduces someone to his daughter after a few days

I then saw things that he said to her that he once said to me

Why is all I kept saying

I knew that he would move extremly fast to replace me but to blantly rub my face in it

To purposely make me aware of it and then say it started out as a way to get to me when really you forgot you requested me as a friend and then forgot to delete the request because so much time had went by

I look back and wonder why did I even waste my time and energy asking him why asking him questions talking and saying the same things over and over and hitting him

Everytime I hit him I noticed it felt good but the feeling was fleeting

It seemed like I couldnt get enough like I coud of hit him over and over for hours and wouldnt be satisified

I felt like my soul was leaving my body the anger and rage was something Ive never experienced before

Going back and forth between anger and pure sadness and devastation

Almost like maybe I had watched someone I love die in front of me and not be able to help them is the best way I could describe the pain

My stomach hurt and that fowl smell was my breath

Its like Im literally the walking dead

I know letting my emotions rule me was wrong

I know that I intentionally chose to act how I felt even though I knew it was wrong and I didnt care because he didnt care about hurting my feelings so why should I care about smacking and punching and pushing him

Ill just say what he says everytime he did something stupid to hurt me which I I never meant to hit you, I didnt intentionally mean to physically hurt you

He just let me too

We both know he could of easily taken me down but he just let me

He knew he deserved it so he just let me hit him and belittle him

But it still doenst make me feel better

I just cant understand why when you have the chance to do the right thing you would do the wrong thing

I dont understand how you can know what hurts and angers a person and do it and have the adaucity to say you love the person you chose to hurt and anger

What did I do to deserve this

Why do attract toxic people

Why did he do that to me when all I was trying to do was get through the time here

How can you watch a person be sad everyday and so your idea is to make them more sad

And the worst part is when I ask why he said I dont know

To have no answers....to have no closure to just have to accept I dont know

It kills me

I just wanted to lay down and die

I wanted god to just come down and grab me

I wanted someone to hug me so I could just fall apart in their arms for awhile and just scream and cry

Im a good person

Im the girl people call at 2 am cause they need someone

Im the one who will see you cry and just hold you and cry with you cause it hurts me to see you sad

Im the one that would give my last so you will have

Im so sick of this

The anger is just residing in me now

I feel numb but yet evertime I think about anything he did I get so angry that I can see myself murdering him

So now Im just like what am I gonna do

My plan was to be cool be cordial cause at one time we were friends and then when the lease is up hopefully I would of had a place or I would go back home

But now I dont even wanna try what I want is to die more then anything

Now to top it off his family is threating me and I really dont care

I got alot of anger maybe Ill get lucky and theyll kill me

I love how people always play the victim once they get what they deserve

They think they scaring me

They have no idea messing with me

Whatever will be will be at this point

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (0)

  1. This comment has been deleted
  2. This comment has been deleted