Is this my Sign

I dont even really understand why Im so angry

I go over in my mind why I feel angry

I feel like I wasted my time

I feel like while I struggle to put pieced back that were never fully whole but now its worse then before and they will go on to be happy and successful,taking energy and time that I gave and use to make them better then when they were here with me

He didnt even have the courage to break up with me

Instead he used what he felt could be amunition as an excuse and still when it came time to pull the trigger I had to

But once it was done I felt relieved

I know who I am

My lack of finances and ablility to sustain is an issue but its not who I am

I am strong

I am blunt

I am honest

I am responsible

I am caring

I am funny

But he doesnt know who he is and I suppose thats worse

He rather hide and use other things to cover up in hopes that his issues will go away

I was stupid to stay

I was stupid to feel guilty for anything

I couldnt help what had happened but I tried and was honest in the process

I know it will pass soon but right now I hope it all comes back to him and hard

Not because he left but how he left

He could of ended it honestyl and maybe a friendship would of been possible

Then if down the line I might of been open to the idea of trying again if I saw real improvement

Instead he chose to argue knowing that he had no valid points or facts but just feelings

It wont do me anygood to wish him harm but I do

I hope his job fails

I hope he meets a woman even more stronger then I and she destroys him so that he doesnt know up from down

I hope he has many sleepless nights

I hope he aganonizes in his thoughts constantly through out the day where he has breakdowns and then goes out and pretends to be fine

I hope he ends up suffering from the same depression that has taken its toll on me through the years

I hope he gets a std thats incurable

I hope he gets that woman who destroys him pregnant and she bleeds him dry and his child becomes a failure

Now how can I be relieved but still be so angry and wish him such harm if I dont care and happy to be done

I dont know

I just know its how I feel and Im waiting for those feelings to fade

So now here I was thinking well what you gonna do Mi Mi

I wanted to try my suicided plan but I dont want to do it now because I dont want anyone to think it has anything to do with this break up

Its more then just that

I dont want to even have that be a notion

So since I knew ok I just wanna stick to the plan which was if nothing seemed to improve for me by August then on to the plan or if God gave me a sign to try soon then I would

I didnt just want to seem like I was giving up since thats a lable given to suicide

I want to see even if I never acclomplish whatever happiness is or suppose to be could I adleast pick myself up, get a little place and go from there

So I making plans in my head and goals and everyday start doing those things to see where it leads me

But just as I was getting some sleep I hear my phone

I see its the counseling center

So I answer

My counselor has been promoted and no longer can counsel me

What am I gonna do without her

I didnt even get to have a goodbye session

Im so devastated

I wanna cry and scream but nothing is coming out just some watery eyes but no tears

Maybe later I will cry but for some odd reason I cant get it out

So the one outlet that I have is being taken away from me

Is that my sign

Was it because I wished him harm and so thats my karma

Now that Ive lost that I really feel like I have nothing

And being lonley or alone I can do

But losing her.....I cant even explain the void that will bring and not even getting a last time its like wow

There it is....the tears just fell

Losing her and this apartment hurts more then losing him

Goodbye Ms Reid, I love you

 

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