Just Me

Even though Im the one who ended the relationship its still hard

And with us having to live togheter it can make it difficutl at times

Work can be a bit much since the girl who he told all my business to works there seeing her angers me

She has this smug smile on her face that I just want to knock off

But I just try to stay focus and thang god I move around constantly so its not like were in the same place always just at possible times

She had the nerve to say to me we still not speaking

I wanted to say Bitch but I just shook my head no

I dont look at her at all so she better just let it go and not push me

He did ask me again if I was sure I wanted to end the relationship

I said yes

I cant trust him

He lies to much and needs so much attention that its just not worth it

Him telling all my personal business to that girl was the last straw for me

Well him asking her out and then finding out he told her all my business was the end for me

And when I find myself thinking maybe Im overreacting I just remember how he doesnt think theres anything wrong with what he did

How he has now made my work enviorment uncomftable for me that my anxiety is sky high

How he was so comftable lying to me

How he had no remorse

And how he easily is so happy now

So once I remember that I realize that I made the best choice and I have to stick to that

Ive never been one to keep someone around after so many dog outs despite what people thing

I guess they assume I have such low self esteem that Ill tolerate and keep being friends with them after being wronged and hurt and that has never been the case for me so Im not about to start now

I just now I get so overwhelmed so easily and feel on edge all the time

Knowing that I have so much to do in such a small amount of time is pressure for me

Even though he asked to get back toghether another thing that keeps me from him is he cant even tell me why he loves me so I know for sure he just speaks words there is no meaning behind them

Think he is just not use to being alone and he just doesnt want to start over

Hes so expressive about asking for sex and he can tell all my personal issues with him to other females but ask him why he loves me and its blank

I once saw a qoate that said You think you love me but you just love the idea of me

I never understood what that meant till now

Even with my depression and anxiety I am still more strong willed and strong minded then him and I just cant tolerate that kind of weakness

Ive never been a doormat and dont want to be in a doormat

He wont elevate with me he drags me down and puts me in positions where I have to fight even more and I cant

Living with him is going to be hard

He only washes the dishes and takes out the trash from time to time

His towels stink, he doesnt lift a finger to clean a thing

So we may not be toghether but he still doesnt respect sharing space

He also still is eating up what groceries I bought and he has money

I dont have the engergy to fight with him cause my job is putting overtime on me and Ive been tired even more then usual

Im trying to be patient with myself and god cause all I could think is why dont you just kill yourself now

I starte at myself in the mirror and think how ugly and stupid I am

I see the wrinkles that once wasnt there and all the pain I hide in my eyes with my hair and make up

I feel low and angry

Its not fair that I get hurt and they just get to start over and be happy and they have their youth

And me, I just got me

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Comments (2)

  1. jamesgirl

    I feel your pain in this writing. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt and have to put up with so much stress in life. He had no business sharing your personal business with anyone outside your relationship. Can I ask why you still live with him? It’s probably for financial reasons so I’d hope you started looking for a new roommate. I doubt these feelings will go away unless he goes away. Once you love someone it never really goes away. Hate is love in disguise and you truly can’t hate someone unless love lives inside of you for them. If he could tell you why he loves you would you get back together with him? This all sounds toxic for your sweet spirit. I hope you are able to move on or out soon. One Love pretty girl.

    June 10, 2017
    1. justmimi

      Thank you for your kind words….we live together for financial reasons and our lease isnt up till March so I have some time to try to get things together…..right now I feel empty and dead but I figure Im still getting up so that’s all I got right now…again thank you, your kind words brought tears to my eyes cause its hard to believe anyone whos never met me can say such words…bless you

      June 12, 2017