Not Fair

So I said before alot happened this month

First thing was the facebook murder

I called a friend on easter to talk and she tells me there is a man on a rampage killing people for no reason

She told me the area

My first thought was maybe I would go to the spot in hope that maybe I would be killed

As time went on I heard more but didnt really believe it

Then I did something I wish I would of never done

I searched this so called video he made

I guess it hadnt been taken down yet and as I watched it seemed harmless and unreal but then he walked up to that elderly man and shot him

I saw blood splatter everywhere as he fell to the ground and the man just walked off as if nothing happened

My heart sank

I thought about his family and how its not fair that this just happened

How I wish it was me and not him

Confused because Ive been depressed all my life and never have I ever thought about harming others in my snaps or breakdowns and now this is a stigma that is attached to mental illness

Its easy for people to assume even more that its not a real thing when they see someone act so premeditated

Later that evening I went to see if I could find more, why he did this whats wrong, he gave out his number

I texted him asking him to please stop and if he had to kill again I would offer myself as long as he didnt hurt anyone else

Hoping maybe he would kill someone willing to die instead of innocent people and no one would have to know

But no response

Some time after that I notice a show that caught my attention

its called Mary Kills

I know Im obssessed with suicide

Obssessed with dying

The show revolves around a ER doctor that helps terminally ill people commit suicide so they can avoid the cost of trying to go where its legal to do so

I thought wow, cant afford to live the life ya want and cant afford to die the way ya want, how ironic

Some time after that I saw a article on how a young girl who was getting bullied and it distraught her so much she took her life

I was jealous of that girl, she shot herself in the heart

She was adorable, young, smart and she just took her life just like that

Here Ive been agonizing for years and failed all attempts

Ive never tried a gun

Im terrified of them

I hate how Im not scared to die but scared of dying

I wish there was a real Mary who would just give me the drug I need to just die in my sleep

I cant exscape these feelings of just not feeling love, not feeling care, not feeling anything

No one really knows how numb I am and how I seem to always lie in the middle of I care but I dont

Im angry with god

Trying to understand why would he let that elderly man die in fear like that and that young girl felt so hopeless she never even had a chance

But me I still survive

I dont get it

He takes away people who want to live, like their life, have a life

He allows this depression to ravage me

He took my sisters baby

I just wish I could sit with him and ask him why

Its ironic how Im angry with him but I long to just be in heaven with him, want to see him, feel him

Want to talk with him and not only cry out to him when Im struggling

I dont know what will happen

I know Ive been planning again and I just go day to day waiting to see if there is a reason bigger then I can imagine to stay and try continuing to have some type of life cause Iv given up on happiness

I hope I dont cry during counseling

Sometimes people confuse crying with caring

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (1)

  1. bluevader

    I’m glad to hear in your previous post that you have a counsellor whom you trust. You write very openly and candidly – almost like a “stream-of-consciousness” writing. It comes across like you have a very busy mind that turns things over and over… The world is full of people in pain one way or another. I myself did not see the Facebook video you mention, but I did see a news report about it. Who knows what pain that man was going through to cause him to act that way? I find some behaviours and actions that I read in the news so unutterably beyond comprehension that I have come to the conclusion that there are some things about human nature that I will never know the answer to.

    I hope you find new answers in time, as you keep writing and talking.

    May 01, 2017