Over and Over

Over and over in my mind I keep thinking what can I do to change my life

Depression is never going away but there were times I was happy

So how can I find ways to sustain the happiness, get passed and over the bad, and be self suficient

But then I get in bed and just go to sleep and hope to wake with the courage to try my suicide plan

Its so strange to me how once upon a time I wished for friends and love and now I love lonlieness

Lonliness is a odd place to be

It can be sad to feel like you have no one in your corner and no one gets or understands you

But yet it also feels safe and peaceful and drama free

No having to say the right things cause people are so damn sensitive or take everything so personal

No having to people please

No replaying things and situations in your head and how you wished they would of gone or what you wished you would of said

Alot of times I live in a fantasy world

Where everyone in my life except my neice would be replaced with people I wish were real and mine

I love my mom but Claire Huxtable would be my mom

I would be the baby sister instead of the older sister

My friends would be like the group of girls from Sex in the City

I would be loved and respected for who I am

Its said that I am loved but I dont feel it

Once you cross me I hold on to that and any time I do right by them and they cross me again I feel like a fool

Im at this crossroad where I see whats happening in my life and the choices I have to make

I see myself being alone all the time and it seems fine now but what if I change my mind

The only thing I can see making me happy and atleast able to cope is money and Im not good at getting that either

So most days I wake up just praying for death

Summer is beginning and my deadline for some type of sign that my life is worth living even if alone is

August and if nothing by then the goal is to try suicide by October

Ive done this over and over for years but I think this year is my year

Over and over I think in my mind what can I do to make things better but then I go to sleep and pray to die and wake up in heaven where I belong cause Im sick of everyone down here 

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