Part 1 Counselor

M.I.A I have been from here.

So I'll just go

I last left off about being excited to see my counselor

I almost didnt go, I was so tired and was just wanting to sleep the day away as I usually do but said no just get up and once you get there maybe all the things you talk about will come out and up and if just for a moment you will feel better

I get there just to realize I forgot that we had rescheduled because she wasnt going to be there that day

I laughed and just thought oh well but I was out of the house so I ran an errand and got back home

Once my actual appointment came I did go

When Im with her I feel so good

All the bad thoughts come out and she just seems so understanding

This session she asked my about goals or dreams

And its sad but I dont really have any dreams

I have one but I feel its so far fetched that Im not pursuing it as I could be

But talking to her about it made me think maybe I could its just Im so overwhelmed so easily and I have no idea where to start and I just give up before even really trying

Of course we talked about my relationship which seems to be the center of every conversation

I wanted to stay off of it but obviously it is a trigger because alot of my behavior revolves around it and how I react to him and his behavior

Ill get to that in a another post and just focus on the dreams part in this post

So I feel I have let life beat me down so bad that somewhere along I stopped dreaming

I recall when I was young because I had such low self esteem and was teased a bit that I thought a way to show people and to make me happy was to be a model

Needless to say my family wasnt very supportive and not able to provide finances to help start when I thought I found a contest or agency

But even so I kept trying

So to do so on my own I got a job and I started stripping

But sad I made no money as a stripper but it did build my confidence a bit and it helped me not to be shy in front of people and to have a mindset and thick skin competing with other women but it also tore me down even more cause how can I be dancing topless and make no money lol

As years went on I would have few times where I thought I made progress or saw a light but they never panned out

Then I met my husband so gave up on that

Once the marriage failed and we seperated when I moved back home I decided to try again but still nothing but wasted time and fails is what happened in the end

So I just worked hoping I find something else to be good at to support myself

But that didnt work either

Everytime I go back to school months in I would fail because it got to hard and Id let it get me down so that it got to hard to catch up and I just drop out

So when my counselor asked me what do I dream about it made me sad because ironically all those fails led me somehow to see what Id really like to do is be a DJ and photography

I love music and I always remember when I use to go to clubs that the DJ was who I was enamored by

Think I spelled enamored wrong lol

Then since modeling didnt work for me I became interested in being behind the camera instead of in front

I felt I had a eye for beautiful things

I still like to be in front from time to time but the camera would be better suited for me

Why hadnt I tried she asked

Well DJ I have no idea where to start, I did ask my brother to help me who is very talented and he knows how to use the equipment and he shoots as well, my mom bought him a fancy camera for christmas some years ago

But he didnt take me seriously and he seemed so nochalant when I asked

A light blow off

So even though I didnt show it it hurt that seeing as to how were not super close and not only could he teach me something it could be a bonding experience that he responded that way and so the rejection was hard

Money and time  is a factor as well

Things are getting better with the job and with some changes coming soon I may have weekends off but I still dont know where I would get the income to start

I know I need to invest in beginner items for djing and photography but with no one to trust to ask I just feel lost

I need a mentor but to have that comes with trust

My boyfriend knows how to do all this stuff as well but the strain of our relationship keeps me from asking him

Ive also searched female djs in cleveland on IG and thought about reaching out to one of them to see if they would be willing to take on newbie who is seeking help but thats hard cause the world is crueler and crueler everyday so to put myself out there to a stranger and I cant even seem to trust those in my family and in my home how could I trust them

And the idea of failing again is more then I can take

When theres nothing that your good at in life and Im not smart its really scary and frustrating

Im already in a fucked up relationship where part of my reason for staying is financial

So I just cant take another fail right now

So lack of money lack of time and mind and heart full of fear I just do nothing and stay in shut down mode

Plus with my suicidal plan I keep hoping well this time it may work or atleast Id end up a vegetable and none of this will matter cause Ill be dead

I keep hoping for a miracle

For mothers day we went to church and when they would pray as my eyes were closed I didnt hear the prayer they were saying

I was saying in my mind God you know my struggle you know my pain you know I want to die and Im just looking for a sign as to why I shouldnt

What do I have to live for

What will I do

If you show me then I will but I truely need a miracle

I always set a deadline for my suicide attempt and each time it passed

This time its set for August

To me this is the perfect time cause its not around anyones birthday or a holiday

Ill have pto at work so I wont worry about getting fired of having to not get paid while Im in the hospital if I should survive and Im sure they will put me on a physch hold if Im not to damaged

But while Im still here if I can just get the courage and the energy to atleast try then maybe god and I might surprise myself

When I was younger all I dreamed about was being in love

And now

All I dream about is being in love with me being in peace alone in my own home that I support myself in

If I cant do that then no I dont want to live and just cant keep living like this

There are lots of things I love about me and thats good and big efforts from years ago

But to be in love with me

Wouldnt that be great

 

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