Stupid Reality

So my weekend is over

I slept most of it so I am feeling a little energy

I cleaned the house and hopefully I can keep it clean cause I have overtime coming up

But today as I slept I felt a little guilty

Today was grams bday and I didnt want to go to church with her or have money to go out to dinner with them

I hate how they always tell me things at the last minute and just expect me to get up and go

They dont get why or how I can sleep all day

They know I need to save money so I just cant up and spend, I never could and the money I had went towards buying me groceries to get to next pay day

Im so angry all the time and I feel like Im already dead

Living with my ex is hard because I hate that he seems so happy and ok while Im trying to figure out how to be

I dont think hell ever understand how much this has changed me and not for the better

I know its normal to feel what I feel like where is he, whos he talking too, is he still telling my business, and then I remember that hes the one that lied,hes the one that wasted time creating more problems then working toward a solution, he doesnt really love you and then I begin to feel better about the choice I made

I know in the end its for the best but its hard to watch him be ok

When I broke my ex husbands heart I was down about it for atleast 2 and a half months before I  began to let it go

But he seems like hes sure that Im just going to take him back, he doesnt seem remorseful

Not just because I was his girlfriend but I thought I was his friend

I think people see what they wanna see in me they have no idea that what appears to be strong, selfish, non caring is just fear, tiredness, confusion, and survival mode

Im in survival mode all the time

Im doing the best I can and hoping that I can get past this

Im never going to be the girl with great friends and a close family

All I got is me

Most days thats ok and Ive become use to my being alone

But there are moments of the day where I wish I had that

I hate that I care

I hate that Im angry

I hate that I hold on to things

Ive never let anything go

And everyone at some point has shown me why I do so it can be wrong

The stupid reality is I dont want him but I dont want him to be happy either

I hope that passes

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